Your teen isn’t pushing you away. They’re drowning—and you’re just seeing the splash.
My teen is in a rut. I don’t know what went wrong.
You think they’re being disrespectful, moody, distant.
But that’s just what’s visible.
Their lashing out may be a reflection of a number of hidden factors.
What’s beneath the surface?
What you might not see:
They failed a test.
They were ignored by friends.
They feel ugly.
They’re lost in their own mind.
Like an iceberg, most of what’s really happening is hidden underwater. And if you keep reacting to the tip of the iceberg, you miss the real need underneath.
How they feel may have nothing to do with you.
Here’s what I heard from a mom I coach:
“I thought my son hated me. But when we finally talked, he said…
‘I hate myself.’”
Until you know more about the struggles they face behind the scenes, you’ll remain in the dark about how to help them turn their mood around.
You can’t parent the behavior without seeing the burden.
Help your teen reveal their struggles
You don’t need the perfect words.
You need presence.
A soft tone. A willingness to sit in the silence.
And questions that open a door without barging in.
Here are a few you might try when the moment feels right:
“What’s been feeling heavy for you lately?”
“Do you ever feel like no one really sees what you’re going through?”
“Is there anything you wish I understood better?”
“What’s been the hardest part of being a teenager lately?”
Not every question will land. Some will be met with shrugs or silence.
That’s okay.
You’re not planting a flag. You’re planting seeds.
What matters most is how you respond.
If your teen opens up—even just a little—don’t rush to fix.
Don’t jump to advice. Or lectures. Or stories from your own teenage years.
Just listen.
Say things like:
“That makes sense.”
“Thanks for telling me.”
“That sounds really tough.”
“I had no idea you were carrying all that.”
Let your love be quiet and sturdy.
That’s what builds safety. That’s what earns trust.
And little by little, the splash on the surface starts to make sense—because you were brave enough to look beneath.
If this resonated with you and you want to learn more tools to truly understand and connect with your teen, join me in my upcoming “Trusted Academy” parenting lab, where we go deeper into conversations like this and practice them together:
